Ask Lucas: My wife is packing my schedule full of social events

Look, a stock image. Why is there a green checkmark on it? Something about "twosday." I don't know what that is, and neither will you, because I deleted the old caption.

Dear Lucas: My wife is a social butterfly and has been overscheduling our social life as of late. I checked my calendar and nearly every weekend is booked through the end of October. I just want to enjoy the last few weeks of summer in peace. How do I ask her to leave a few weeks open for us to recover?

Dear Reader: Anyone in the Midwest knows those last few weeks of summer are precious. We’re running out of peaceful weekends to barbecue before the Cleveland Browns fire up the Weekend Sadness Machine™ for another season.

It’s very presumptuous for a partner to occupy those fleeting days with family or work events. But assuming it’s too late to back out, you should find ways to exploit her personal connections for financial gain. Get her friends to buy your “product,” and then tell them they can also make money by getting other people involved. They get a cut, but you get more.

This is called running a pyramid scheme, which is technically illegal, but when I Google “best pyramid schemes to join,” it shows me dozens of lists for popular “multi-level marketing” firms. Ah yes, the power of branding.

If podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that crime makes everything more interesting. You’ll be so interested in your fraudulent schemes, you’ll forget you are missing our God King Nick Chubb trying to make up for another disappointing performance from Deshaun Watson (boooooo).

In the end, either you’re both rich and under federal investigation, or you are no longer invited to social events. Unlike anything involving the Browns, it’s a win-win, so long as you can keep the feds at bay.

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Hey guys, it’s Lucas. If you send me Nick Chubb hate mail, I will get irrationally angry and make you watch his highlight clips. Seriously, did you see that clip of him stiff-arming The Steelers’ Miles Killebrew last year? Unreal. Chubb puts Cleveland on his back and moves through defenses like an unchained wrecking ball. Anyway, this is my humorous advice column. Don’t take it seriously. I need questions though. Send emails to [email protected].

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